Man doing walk of shame immensely proud of himself

A MAN doing the ‘walk of shame’ home from a one-night stand is in fact very proud of having had sex last night, he has confirmed. 

23-year-old Nathan Muir, who totally got it last night when he was in no way expecting to, responded to honks and waves from traffic by smiling broadly and giving a tired thumbs-up.

He said: “Shame? It’s only a shame I don’t feel this good every morning.

“And walk? More of a strut, exhausted but imbued with a world-weary braggadocio.

“I just wish some of these people pointing could get off the bus so I could tell them the full story, including that bit which was an unexpected but very welcome surprise but I rose to the occasion, oh yes.

“Ashamed? I’m bursting with pride.”

25-year-old Helen Archer, waking up at home, said: “Uh? Oh thank fuck, he’s gone.”

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Uber to launch gondola app once Britain fully submerged by rain

UBER is preparing to launch a gondola service once Britain is completely under water.

As the Met Office warned of increasingly biblical levels of rainfall, the taxi giant said it will offer an easy-to-use app to transfer customers from their submerged homes to submerged offices and underwater pubs and shops.

An Uber spokesperson said: “Uber Gondolas will offer a comfortable, scenic way to travel through the stinking flood water, for a fraction of the cost of a traditional riverboat.

“The gondolas are large enough to carry your scuba diving gear and fishing equipment. And they are probably sturdy enough to withstand crocodile attacks.

“We’re fairly confident there will be crocodiles as we are planning to release thousands of them.

“We don’t want people swimming to their destination when they should be giving us money.”