Man fears completion of DIY project

HOMEOWNER Julian Cook fears his life will become meaningless upon the completion of a six-year DIY project to create a guest bedroom.

The refurbishment, which includes an en suite bathroom, has provided purpose and direction in Logan’s life, despite the fact that he never has overnight guests.

Cook said: “Once I’ve finished working on the guest bedroom it opens up an uncharted, terrifying void. Maybe I could install a hand dryer. That would take ages.

“Without the bedroom to occupy all my free time I’ll start thinking about my unhappy marriage and shattered dreams. Maybe when I get some little bowls of potpourri from B&Q I’ll buy a nail gun to shoot myself.”

Cook’s wife Emma also expressed concern about the bedroom, specifically that without the constant distractions of painting, tiling and installing dimmer switches he may notice she is having an affair with a work colleague.

She said: “Tom and I married too young and now we’re just strangers trapped in a hollow husk of a relationship. Also the sunburst yellow walls really clash with the burnt sienna curtains.”

Cook added: “Last night I couldn’t sleep for worrying about interacting with my children again. But then I realised we could really do with a proper patio with a gas heater.”

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Castle Wonga stormed by angry peasants

A MOB with flaming torches has laid waste to Castle Wonga, home of the evil Count Wongula.

For centuries the villagers had treated the looming clifftop castle with fear and trepidation, due to its evil resident’s insatiable hunger for their life-blood.

However they were emboldened by rumours that Count Wongula was actually almost out of coins and considering a rebrand as Count Quids-In.

Peasant farmer Tom Logan said: “When the crops failed I took a small loan for food, but the interest rate was quite ungodly. I fell behind and Wongula came in a black carriage drawn by red-eyed stallions, to take my fairest daughter.

“He fed on her, sucking out her soul and putting her to work as a wraith in his vast dungeon call centre.”

Shouting and wielding agricultural implements, the righteous army of common folk overcame the count’s army of creepy undead pensioners with only minor casualties.

Logan said: “The place was done out with such finery as we had never seen – festooned with fine rugs and tapestries, chairs made of gold and massive ten-person beds for depraved behaviour.

“But we could not touch it and indeed burned the lot, for it was the fruits of our suffering.”

But the villagers were thwarted in their ultimate goal after a cornered Count Wongula transformed into a giant cockroach and leapt from a high tower to go and do some corporate consultancy work.