HOMEOWNER Julian Cook fears his life will become meaningless upon the completion of a six-year DIY project to create a guest bedroom.
The refurbishment, which includes an en suite bathroom, has provided purpose and direction in Logan’s life, despite the fact that he never has overnight guests.
Cook said: “Once I’ve finished working on the guest bedroom it opens up an uncharted, terrifying void. Maybe I could install a hand dryer. That would take ages.
“Without the bedroom to occupy all my free time I’ll start thinking about my unhappy marriage and shattered dreams. Maybe when I get some little bowls of potpourri from B&Q I’ll buy a nail gun to shoot myself.”
Cook’s wife Emma also expressed concern about the bedroom, specifically that without the constant distractions of painting, tiling and installing dimmer switches he may notice she is having an affair with a work colleague.
She said: “Tom and I married too young and now we’re just strangers trapped in a hollow husk of a relationship. Also the sunburst yellow walls really clash with the burnt sienna curtains.”
Cook added: “Last night I couldn’t sleep for worrying about interacting with my children again. But then I realised we could really do with a proper patio with a gas heater.”