Man generously doesn't mind women having a bit of tummy fat

AN unsung hero has revealed that he does not have a massive problem with women who carry a small amount of fat on their stomach.

Catering manager Stephen Malley generally prefers the supermodel type, but his progressive views mean he will kindly tolerate women with modest tummy fat who meet his other requirements.

Malley said: “I’m talking natural DDs, slim waist like a cartoon character, big arse but not fat. Like I say, a completely natural look. And also that little gap where her legs are connected to her body. That’s important.

“If she’s ticked all those boxes and she needs to lose an inch or two from her waist I’m not too fussed. It needn’t be an obstacle to romance blossoming and me giving her one.

“I can always tell her to go to the gym to sort it out. What really matters is all the other stuff about her as a person, specifically tits and arse. I don’t even mind if she can’t cook like my mum. I think I must be a ‘New Man’.”

Malley has floated the idea that he deserves a medal for his charitable views on women, possibly an OBE, but “nothing that would overshadow Captain Tom”.

Ex-girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “It’s brilliant that Steve is so open-minded about women’s looks when he’s a bald fat bastard himself. This is breaking new ground in lack of self-awareness.

“An OBE might be going a bit far though. Maybe he could just f**k off.”

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Food prices soar as man walks out of Aldi and into M&S

THE price of basic foodstuffs like bread, cereal and bacon have skyrocketed due to a man leaving Aldi and popping into M&S.

Shopper Martin Bishop was left dumbfounded by the sizeable jump in food prices after deciding to swing by M&S for some bits after doing the big shop in his local Aldi.

He said: “At first I thought it was an inflation thing, but apparently not. A condescending staff member told me they always jack up the cost of everything by a couple of quid. 

“I nodded sagely and said it’s probably due to Ukraine or the lingering effects of the pandemic, right? He laughed, shook his head, and told me they mostly do it for fun and because they can.

“Then he said most of the food comes from the same factory as the muck they sell in Aldi anyway, only with a different label slapped on the tin. He stopped chuckling though when I asked if that means he gets paid more than their staff.

“And I did leave the store with a completely unwarranted sense of smug lower-middle-class superiority.”

An M&S spokesperson said: “10.1 per cent inflation? Thanks for the reminder. That small tin of beans will now cost you a tenner.”