Man going to Halloween party dressed as ‘capitalism’

A MAN has revealed his Halloween party costume is entitled ‘capitalism’.

While most of the guests will be dressed as either a slutty vampire or a hipster zombie, Julian Cook hopes to scare them with his devastating critique of the economic system.

Host Tom Logan said: “We’ve made rum punch the colour of blood and we’ve got a cardboard skeleton for the front door, so I’m not really in the mood for Julian’s George Monbiot podcast medley.

“He’s like this all the time. Last Christmas he gave me a note explaining my present had been sold to help bail out a bank.”

Cook hopes his costume will be even more devastating than last year, when he dressed as ‘patriarchy’ by wearing women’s clothes and a square of perspex on his head to represent the glass ceiling.

This year he has made a suit and tie out of pages from the Financial Times and will carry an overstuffed toy cat under his arm with the word ‘fat’ written on it.

Logan said: “The only reason he gets invited is that he always brings sensational booze, because his parents are very rich.”

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Shaker Aamer loves the West now

GUANTANAMO Bay prisoner Shaker Aamer has completely changed his mind about Western governments after being held without charge for 13 years.

Aamer, who was captured in Afghanistan in 2002, confessed that any occasional unkind thoughts about US and UK foreign policy were long forgotten during his long imprisonment.

He said: “Sometimes, when living in Britain with my family, I admit I saw the injustices of the capitalist system and wondered if Islam offered a better way.

“But after my arrest and torture in a Cuban military base exempt from the rule of law, never given a trial or presented with any evidence that I had done a single thing wrong, I realised I was mistaken.

“I think it was between my third and fourth hunger strikes, after I had been cleared for release by two separate presidents only to be kept captive for reasons nobody could disclose, that I saw the essential good-hearted fairness of the US and UK for the first time.”

Aamer now plans to tour the country telling fellow Muslims about his experiences so they will trust Western governments who have their best interests at heart.

He added: “So what happened in season eight of Friends? Who is the father of Rachel’s baby?”