Man has absolutely no intention of leaving his comfort zone

A MAN has confirmed he is completely happy in his comfort zone and the chances of him leaving it are zero.

Tom Logan, 35, stressed that anyone who tells him he needs to leave his comfort zone has failed to understood exactly how comfortable it is.

He said: “I don’t have the faintest desire to run a marathon, go bungee jumping or take up slam poetry.

“I’m sick and tired of friends telling me about the wonders of Mount Everest or the majesty of the Taj Mahal. If these things were any good they would be in my living room.”

Emma Bradford, 33, said: “I left my comfort zone for a brief period in my late 20s and it was just hellish.

“I kept having intense, meaningful experiences and earnestly relaying them to people at dinner parties. Everyone hated my guts and rightly so.”

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Mickey Mouse warns terrorists not to underestimate his power

MICKEY Mouse has delivered a stark warning to terrorists, following the arrest of a gunman at the Magic Kingdom.

The anthropomorphic rodent made the statement from behind his Presidential podium, flanked by two Imperial Stormtroopers.

He said: “Be under no illusion, any invasion of any realm of my empire will be met with a kick up the arse so hard it would wake Osama Bin Laden from his CIA cloning chamber.

“We are Disney, we are legion. Do not underestimate our power, and do not think for one moment that a cryogenically frozen Uncle Walt is the only thing that we have hidden under the Pirate Ship.”

Mickey then lit the fuse on a comically large cannon, launching the arrested gunman high into the air over the Dream Castle to the delight of thousands of children.