Man in favour of pre-decimal currency too thick to use it

A MAN who wants to return to pre-decimal currency after Brexit is too thick to understand the confusing system, it has emerged.

Office manager Martin Bishop believes going back to old money like shillings and farthings would boost national pride, without realising he would find it impossible to do his shopping.

Bishop said: “I’m in favour of anything traditional like dark blue passports and hanging, so I’d also bring back coins with strange values like 8p.

“It’s actually not that complicated. There are 12 pence to a shilling and 20 shillings to a pound. Or is it 24 shillings to a florin and nine sixpences to a half-crown? Shit, my head’s starting to hurt.

“At least it would be proper British money and not some ridiculous foreign system based on multiplying by 10.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “He’d do things like pay £10 for a Snickers in weird coins and all the shopkeepers would say, ‘Great, here comes that idiot again. I’ll tell him a banana costs 2,000 shillings.’

“I asked my gran about the pre-decimal system and she said actually no one understood it and they just used to give each other random coins.”

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Manchester United still the spawniest bastards around

MANCHESTER United remain unchallenged as the jammiest gits in the Premier League, it has emerged.

Against Everton, a last-minute penalty saw them scrape a controversial draw that they in no way deserved, demonstrating that the ridiculous good fortune that has characterised them for 25 years still has a way to run.

Club director Bobby Charlton said: “All our titles in the 1990s were because Sir Alex Ferguson found that enchanted monkey’s paw, and now we’ve got Jose Mourinho’s satanic rituals for that extra little boost.

“One-nil down in the 94th minute, I knew we’d fluke a penalty out of nothing, and sure enough, Ashley Williams suddenly decided he was Gordon Banks with the power of invisibility.

“Mind you, we’d still have got a penalty if he’d sneezed, or breathed in, or deliberately used his legs, because that’s how we roll at Old Trafford.

“We’re going to end up in the Champions League thanks to a ridiculous series of unlikely coincidences involving Liverpool losing every game and Tottenham being wound up.”

Season-ticket holder Nathan Muir said: “Enjoy it while it lasts, Chelsea. We’re going to spunk our way to the title next year winning every game 1-0 thanks to a Zlatan Ibrahimovic handball, and we won’t even pretend to be sorry.”