Man loves banging on about how f**ked things are

A MAN gets a weird self-righteous buzz from talking about how screwed everything is.

29-year-old Tom Logan gets a kick out of describing the ‘dark times’ we live in because of all the horrible things including Brexit, the rise of fascism across Europe and a massive Tory majority.

Logan said: “It’s really, really, really bad. Everywhere I go people are just crying in the streets because of how bad things are.

“I bought a ginger cake the other day and it was out of date, because corporations have taken over and they don’t care about people having stale cakes.

“Probably we’ll all just die soon.”

Logan’s housemate Nikki Hollis said: “I tried telling him about how in Britain we used to have little kids working down mines and put people in prison for being gay, so maybe it’s not all a downward spiral because that wasn’t even very long ago.

“He just looks at me like I’m the stupidest idiot on earth and returns to reading a book by some Russian philosopher called Everything’s Fucked.”

Logan said: “Maybe a leader will rise from the ashes, a truly good person.

“I’m not saying it’ll be me but it’ll definitely be me.”

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Ask Holly: My poor wife has been robbed and now I am truly narked

Dear Holly,

I’m really, really, really cross. I am hopping mad. My poor wife has been held up at gunpoint and robbed and now I am truly narked. I am going to find those French nincompoops and give them one of my shattering death stares and then do an angry rap all up in their face whilst dressed entirely in beige. NO-ONE MAKES KANYE LOOK STUPID EXCEPT KANYE! 



Dear Kanye,

Have you ever tried mindfulness to help you calm down? My mummy has started doing mindfulness to help her manage her dreadful mummy-rage. It’s really good: instead of going mental when we leave dirty dishes and clothes lying about, now she just smiles sweetly and colours in a picture of a peacock in her adult colouring book. This is good news for me because I’ve just remembered I left my used swimming kit and a half eaten apple under my bed six months ago and I need it for school tomorrow. 

Hope that helps,