THERESA May confessed to the Conservative party conference that she could well be dreadful at her job but there is only one way to find out.
The prime minister told attendees, in a mediocre but candid speech, that there was every chance that she was going to ‘fuck Britain right up’ but we might as well get it over with.
She continued: “Let’s face it, I’m untried at best and am heading a government full of weirdos you don’t recognise.
“There’s no functioning opposition and we’re about to embark on something which has never been done before and is widely predicted to be a total disaster.
“Look at me! I don’t even know how ordinary people use their arms when they speak! I’m windmilling them like a five-year-old in a playground fight!
“The difficulty will be in discerning whether I am a catastrophic leader, a leader presiding over a time of catastrophe, or both. Still, it’s all the same in the end and I’ll get paid.”
Mary Fisher of Durham said: “Shit, I reckon. But I’ll still vote for her because there’s nobody else.”