Man observing that nights are drawing in thinks nobody else has noticed

A MAN who keeps commenting on the darker evenings does not understand that everyone else is trying to ignore it.

34-year old Tom Booker spends afternoons hovering by a window in his office, remarking on the turning of the leaves and the migration of swallows.

Colleague Donna Sheridan said: “Tom usually seems happy enough with his spreadsheets but since September came he thinks he’s presenting Autumnwatch with an invisible Michaela Strachan.

“He’s been banging on about hawthorn berries and beech nuts as if autumn is some sort of halcyon period, rather than the beginning of the hideous, despairing slide into the depths of winter.

“I can do without being reminded that soon I’ll be going to work in the dark, leaving work in the dark and leaching Vitamin D left, right and centre until I feel so depressed that I want to jam my hand in the shredder.

“Only the worst kind of masochistic idiot and the elderly enjoy discussing this sort of thing.”

Booker said: “I’ve never been that fussed about autumn before. But invisible Michaela Strachan is really fit.”

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Revealing Brexit plan ‘would give succour to our German foe’, warns May

DEFINING what Brexit actually means will only strengthen the forces of The Hun, Theresa May has warned.

Accusing those demanding greater clarity on the issue of ‘appeasement’, she insisted: “That is just what Fritz wants us to do.”

She said: “Now is the time to ‘keep mum’.

“There are Germans within our midst. Who’s that chap in your local pub, standing on his own at the end of the bar, trying to look inconspicuous but listening intently to your every word?

“Confront him. Ask him who won the FA Cup in 1976. If he does not know the answer immediately, you will know he is a ‘Jerry’ and you must then chase him down the street.”

May added: “If Frau Merkel and her henchmen get wind of the Grand Plan then Germany will conquer our proud island, leading to thousands of decent Britons being forced into high quality manufacturing jobs.”