Man owns nothing except brand new MacBook

27-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan has no possessions except a few clothes and a state-of-the-art Apple laptop, it has emerged.

Logan admitted his purchase of a £1,200 computer was unwise as he has recently lost his job and will in any case only use it for social media and Netflix.

He said: “When I was a kid it was all about having a cool bike.

“Now I am a grown man of almost 30, with decades of life experience behind me, it is about having a cool computer.

“I could spend less on a cheaper computer that does the same thing, and thus be able to afford hot food, but I would rather die.”

Logan’s computer boasts a 2.6GHz Dual-core Intel Core i5 processor, essential for sitting in cafes reading the BBC News website and buying cinema tickets.

He said: “To see me with my computer in Starbucks, you might assume I was some hot shit designer or the screenwriter of an Oscar-nominated film.

“Actually I sleep on a futon I got from a skip.”

Logan’s friend Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve told him he should sell it and get a cheaper computer, for example a chunky, robust PC of the type you get in libraries.

“Not because I care about him, but because I too am obsessed with technological one-upmanship and want to have the best computer in our social group.”

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Live space broadcast drives millions insane

VIEWERS of Channel 4’s Live from Space have lost their minds after experiencing the incomprehensible vastness of the universe.

The two-and-a-half-hour broadcast gave its audience an experience of life aboard the International Space Station, from which they could see Earth as just a tiny marble in an endless, uncaring void.

A Channel 4 spokesman said: “We overlooked that the general public lacks the NASA training required to comprehend humanity’s cosmic insignificance without psychologically imploding.

“We advise anyone experiencing lunacy to stay in and watch Hollyoaks, which is a time-honoured way of limiting surplus brain activity.

“Just try not to think about the meaningless of your existence or the terrifying pale globe of the moon, so vast it fills your mind.

“The moon, oh god the moon. It’s so dead, like a massive floating skull.


26-year-old Emma Bradford said: “The first hour was great then it started to do my head in.

“I haven’t gone to work today because I feel like a disembodied consciousness, floating in the centre of the galaxy.

“This might sound a bit odd, but I’m certain the only way to stop it is to kill Dermot O’Leary.”