Man passionate about saying he’s a socialist

A 45-YEAR-OLD old man is deeply committed to saying he is a socialist.

Architect Nathan Muir strongly believes in talking about his passionate socialist views, even if he is not entirely clear about what they are.

He said: “For me, being a socialist means being in favour of good things and against bad things.

“Generally improving society in a broad way that doesn’t stop me having all the nice things like expensive Jigsaw jumpers and trips to nice restaurants, even where they pay the waiters below minimum wage, because that is the socialising part of socialism.

“Most of all I believe socialism is about saying you are a socialist in a manly but sensitive voice.”

Last week Muir hired gardener Tom Booker to cut his hedge, but refused to pay him £8 per hour and eventually negotiated a discount for a cash payment.

Booker said: “Because he kept banging on about it, I asked him if his interpretation of socialism leaned more towards communism or social democracy. He went a bit quiet and then said ‘I’m not paying you for idle chit-chat, just cut the bloody hedge’.

“So apparently his type of socialism is about being an arsey twat.”

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Brexiter never going to be truly happy

A BREXIT voter will not be happy even if leaving Europe works out, because of her bad personality.

35-year-old Emma Bradford was pleased to see the post-referendum economy performing better than expected but she still hates everyone and is always in a foul mood.

She said: “When we won I really thought this might be the thing that makes me feel good about myself.

“I felt like we had beaten foreigners, and those lefty pinko Guardian readers, and the girls from school whole stole my bike when I was nine which I have never really gotten over.

“It’s great that house prices haven’t collapsed or whatever but unfortunately I am still quite mean and negative. Like if the intern at work makes me a cup of tea I’ll say it’s wrong without even tasting it or making eye contact, so that he has to do it again.

“I thought winning at Brexit would be the cure for my spiteful character but now I realise I didn’t even care about it that much in the first place, which almost makes me feel moodier than before.

“I want to change but I’m not sure how. Maybe I need a kitten and a boyfriend who isn’t married.”