Job applicants judged on whether their tattoos are any good

TATTOOS may stop you getting a job if they are dated, unimaginative or simply shit, it has emerged. 

Standard job interviews now require applicants to strip naked and stand on a rotating platform in front of potential employers who will assess the suitability of their body art. 

Waste solutions CEO Stephen Malley said: “Interviewees can say any crap they like about being a problem-solving self-starter, but what’s written on the body doesn’t lie. 

“Chinese character? Weak-willed, bends to peer pressure, no creative ideas. Out. Metallica tattoo? Stands by their principles, resolute, unafraid to be controversial. In. 

“Strangely-shaped phoenix clearly over ex-boyfriend’s name? Not only makes serious mistakes but tries to cover them up. Out. 

“Full backpiece of the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer beautifully rendered in halftone grey effects? Will put up with any amount of pain for what’s truly important.” 

47-year-old Norman Steele said: “On the one hand, the Garfield tattoo on my upper arm means I will never again be gainfully employed. 

“On the other, all I have to do is show it the dole and I get my money no questions asked.”

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William Hague hoping to get blame for Jolie divorce

WILLIAM Hague is keen to be implicated in the break-up of Angelina Jolie’s marriage.

The former foreign secretary, who worked with the actress on UN business, has been dropping unsubtle hints that one of the world’s most desired women may have lain awake at night thinking about him.

He said: “Nothing ever happened but she is, after all, just a woman and when they see the Haguemaker laying shit down in a high stakes meeting about water purification tablets, their pupils dilate and they start touching their hair.

“I once lent her a copy of my biography of William Pitt the Younger, which she apparently found to be quite the page-turner.

“It did get a bit awkward when I asked for it back though, as she had assumed it was a gift. I had to explain that it was my personal copy and that I’d made some pencil notes in the back about typographical errors.

“I think that impressed her.”

Hague’s wife Ffion said: “I’ve been humoring him about this but let’s be honest, he is a bit of a homunculus.”