Man playing public piano in railway station doesn’t realise he’s a twat

A MAN tinkling about on a public piano in a railway station is unaware he is getting on everyone’s tits.

The man, sporting slightly unkempt long hair and three-day stubble which he thinks makes him sexually attractive, is hoping to impress the sort of girls who fall for an untalented stranger playing music at them in a railway station.

But experts have confirmed there is no such thing.

The man said: “Yeah, I just saw the piano and had the urge to create. I don’t need an audience, I just need to express myself. It’s like I’m in a world of my own.”

Noticing that he was failing to attract an audience, the man added: “IT’S LIKE I’M IN A WORLD OF MY OWN.”

Emma Bradford, who was enjoying a coffee until the twat started making noise, said: “I like men who do things with their hands. But not that.”

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Francesa Johnson said: “Shit. I suppose it was bound to get out eventually.

“Yeah, you pick your guy via webcam, move the sliders to correspond to your particular interests, pick from the menu of artisanal MDMA, ketamine or whatever, and once you’re there they do everything for you. Everything.

“It is relaxing, in a sense, while also being a very strenuous and thorough workout, and we definitely return refreshed and glowing and full of vigour, so it wasn’t a lie. More a lie by omission.

“Why did you think they were so popular for hen nights? Did you honestly think we were just strolling about in white towels with mud on our faces?”

She added: “The hot cups? No. No, you’re not ready to know what ‘hot cup’ really is.”