Man puts big light on again

A MAN has once again put the big light on despite knowing full well that his girlfriend prefers the lamps. 

Tom Booker’s protests that he just wanted ‘to see what he was doing for a bloody change’ were countered by partner Joanna Kramer’s claim that the house was lit up ‘like a Christmas tree’.

She added that the neighbours did not want to see everything the couple were doing ‘under a spotlight’ and suggested that he could locate his phone in softer, ambient light if he tried harder.

Booker replied that the house was so gloomy it was ‘like Dracula’s castle’.

This was followed by Kramer’s assertion that the light hurt her eyes and a series of increasingly urgent requests that it be extinguished.

The light was then turned off and the argument was, as on all previous occasions, left unresolved.

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Samsung phone owners experiencing closest thing they will ever get to excitement

THE reliable, boring people who own Samsung phones are experiencing their most nearly-exciting day ever.

After being instructed to return their potentially explosive devices in a fireproof bag, the solid workhorse owners of the solid workhorse phones confirmed that it was all a bit too crazy for them.

Samsung fan Roy Hobbs said: “I like Samsung because it’s a dependable company with proper offices that have desks instead of funky bean bags and everyone sits quietly working with their heads down.

“That suits me because I am quiet and punctual, I have three pairs of chinos for work and a pair of supermarket own brand jeans for the weekend.

“I had no idea my apparently plain phone, which I bought after reading reviews on 43 separate technology websites, was a ticking time bomb. To be honest I feel a bit like James Bond now.

“The thrill of it has made me want to cut loose and eat a whole bag of Maltesers, then leave work on time instead of staying late to ensure I am fully prepared for the following day like I normally do.

“I feel so incredibly alive that I’ve undone my top two shirt buttons.”