Man reporting shoplifter thinks he'll get a prize

A MAN who went unnecessarily out of his way to grass up a shoplifter is expecting a big reward, he has confirmed.

Tom Logan has no truck with people who are not bothered by minor, potentially desperately motivated misdeeds, and clarified that his incentive for dobbing in shoplifters was a big trophy for being so principled and brave.

Logan said: “Shoplifting is not a victimless crime. Every Crème Egg scanned through the self-checkout as an onion is a pound less in the pockets of the Sainsbury’s bosses. I know they’ll be appreciating my hard, courageous work.

“And I’m not calling myself a hero, but I’m sure Batman would have also told the security guard to check the CCTV if he saw someone slip a tin of beans in their bag. Unlike Batman, though, I’d be happy to have my name in the paper. Just to set a good example.

“I guess I would find being presented with a Pride of Britain Award a bit embarrassing, but that’s just what happens for people who have done exceptional things. Like loudly reminding pensioners that if they want a bag they have to scan and pay for them.

“’What would Jesus do?’ I ask myself when I see these things happening. Well, he’d obviously turn a blind eye to a woman nicking baby formula, so I do the opposite of that woke do-gooder and call the police.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man who just went on LinkedIn still feels dirty

A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.

Rather than feeling inspired by the professional success of his peers, Tom Logan suspects his connections are nothing but egocentric arseholes intent on bragging into the void.

Logan said: “The idiot Tech Support Assistant from my first company is now CEO of his own consultancy and accumulating huge piles of money. Or is he? His profile picture looked like it was taken in his mum’s spare bedroom, so maybe it’s all the usual LinkedIn bullshit.

“Meanwhile an ex-colleague shared a post about her ‘inspirational journey’ and ‘lessons learned’ which basically meant her startup failed miserably, and it had three hundred likes and comments about how brave she was for sharing it. Plus she used to many acronyms it looked like her cat had stumbled onto the keyboard.

“The whole thing is a circle jerk of dickheads congratulating each other for being pricks. I hit ‘like’ on pretty much everything I saw, and then left, feeling ashamed and desperately hoping I’m nothing like these bellends.

“What else could I do? There wasn’t a button for ‘F**k off and die’.”