Man shouts at ducks for flouting lockdown rules

A MAN has verbally abused a small group of ducks in his local park for flouting coronavirus lockdown rules.

Tom Logan was out for a run when he spotted the careless waterfowl provocatively gathered in a large group in his local pond, demonstrating zero wartime spirit.

A red-faced Logan explained: “Even if they are exercising – which that one in particular is waddling and hardly pushing itself – then they should be observing the two metre rule.

“They’re quite literally flying in the face of every lockdown instruction. I saw them flapping their way over to land on the pond. Flying and swimming, that’s two forms of exercise. Boris specified one.

“They’re walking around in their own shit, sharing water and food, and there’s no hand sanitiser. Which to be fair is basically unobtainable even for me.

“Stay home, you feathery f**kers! Even a duck should understand that.”

Mallard Nathan Muir said: “Mate, chill out, it’s just the flu.”

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Single man looking for woman who enjoys long video calls, sexting, and moving in together after a fortnight

A SINGLE man is looking for a partner who is open to an initially non-physical relationship, escalating dependency and living together within two weeks. 

Nathan Muir of Stevenage has told women on Tinder that he is initially up for getting to know them by text, then very quickly stepping up to phone calls, FaceTime, sharing hopes and dreams, sending nudes, meeting her parents on Zoom and full cohabitation.

He said: “There’s a time and place for messing about with romance, and it’s not here and it’s not now.

“The only reason I’m insisting on 14 days to let the relationship develop is to make sure she’s coronavirus-free. I guess we can get to know each other while we’re waiting.

“But I’m living alone, it’s extremely frightening, I’m desperate for human company and I’m guessing there are a lot of woman out there feeling the same way.

“Hit me up. I’ve got an income, I wash regularly, I’ll do the supermarket trips. I’m not looking for forever. Just until the end of lockdown.”

Single woman Ellie Shaw said: “Yeah. He’ll do.”