SINCE coronavirus has put an end to the joy of touching your face 23 times an hour, here are six other things to do with your hands:
A great way to occupy your twitchy fingers and to keep friends away in case you make them something. By the end of lockdown every piece of furniture you own could be mosaicked, and your floors could be a sea of embroidered patchwork cushions.
Learn an instrument
Putting pressure on yourself to fulfil unrealistic ambitions is an excellent way to make self-isolation even more stressful. So pick up a second-hand instrument from eBay, because you won’t be able to touch your face while treating your neighbours to a heartfelt rendition of the sax break from Private Dancer.
Write a novel
The only reason you’ve never written a novel previously was because you never had time, and because you’d not really plotted past the first chapter, and because you haven’t written anything longer than a tweet since 2009. So get cracking! Warning: punching yourself in the face counts as touching your face.
Count your pasta
Carefully count out each piece of pasta you’ve managed to hoard and then scoop it all up into your arms and declare yourself king of the world. Maybe put a pan of water on beforehand because this will make you ravenous.
Touch other people’s faces
No specific World Health Organisation guidelines on this one. Gotcha, Tedros! The man needs to be more specific.
Wank like crazy
Nobody touches their face when their hands have been all over their genitalia within the last hour. So do that 23 times a day and repel yourself from touching your face the all-natural way.