Social distancing doesn't apply to us, joggers confirm

MAINTAINING a distance of two metres from other people applies to everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.

People who run right in the middle of paths are allowing themselves to pass right by pedestrians rather than run the very real risk of momentarily losing pace.

Julian Cook said: “I’m exercising, so I’ve got priority. Now more than ever.

“If you and your family or dog or whatever don’t look around to see a runner coming and immediately jump out of the way, as you would with an oncoming train, that’s your lookout.

“I know I could just ask you to move, but passing you in a wheezing, spluttering cloud of possible COVID-19 will give your trip out that frisson of excitement you’re probably missing.

“We’re doing you a favour, if anything. If you get the virus because joggers have flouted government advice, you’re going to make a valuable contribution to herd immunity.

“And if not, your sacrifice was to maintain my fitness levels and possibly set a new personal best. So it won’t be in vain.”

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How to make it look like you're shopping for essentials

POPPING to the shops but worried police will judge your beer and crisps non-essential? Try these to make your basket purposed and focused. 

Buy paracetamol

A cheap and cheerful way to transform your snack run into a life or death mission for medicine. If they’re sold out, which they probably are, vocalise your frustration so the staff don’t mind as you pick up another bag of Flamin’ Hot Tangy Cheese Doritos.

Wear a hazmat suit

We’re all used to face masks, so up the game with a hazmat suit. Nobody’s going to question the buying habits of an oddball who looks like they’ve wandered out of Chernobyl.

Pretend to be a key worker

Key workers are keeping the country running, so by pretending to be one you can get away with buying any old crap. Just describe your fictional job in vague, ominous terms in the queue. It will only cost you your self-respect.

Claim to be shopping on behalf of an elderly person

Nobody will question your six packs of Hob-Nobs and salted caramel cheesecake when it’s for a self-isolated pensioner. Though your copy of Doom Eternal for PS4 might be a stretch.

Extra alcohol

Booze is a tried and tested way of getting through nightmarish situations. Add a few bottles  of bourbon to your basket and everyone will admire that you’re taking steps to look after your sanity in this difficult time.