Man sick to death of people disagreeing with him

A MAN has announced that, from now on, people who disagree with him should have the decency to keep it to themselves. 

Tom Booker, aged 33, is sick and tired of sharing his correct opinions with others only for someone to unnecessarily and rudely contradict him as if what they were saying was of equal importance.

He said: “Here are some responses I don’t mind: ‘I agree.’ ‘You’re right.’ I’ll even accept ‘Very interesting,’ as long as it stops there.

“But when I’ve laid out the way it is, whether it’s on Trump, fracking or the best Lethal Weapon film, at least have the basic good manners to accept my view is unassailably true.

“Honestly, this isn’t your university debate society. I don’t need you playing devil’s advocate to hone your arguing skills. Just say I’m right and we can move on and talk about something else I’m right about.

“Life’s too short for other people’s opinions. Have them if you like. Just keep them inside.”

Wife Sophie said: “Agreeing is the quickest way to shut him up. I can confirm.”

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Man's 'signature dish' is his only dish

A MAN’S ‘signature dish’ is actually his only dish, it has been confirmed.

Tom Logan proudly offers to cook dinner whenever guests come over, although if they have been more than once then they already know to expect a mediocre chicken casserole.

It is understood that Logan’s deeply average skill in the kitchen would be better tolerated if he did not go on like he was Gordon Ramsay.

Logan said: “Everyone goes mad for ‘chicken a la Tom’. People always ask for a doggy bag to take it home in, and they always make sure they take most of what was on their plate.

“What’s the point of learning to cook anything else when I’ve already achieved perfection? The special ingredient is pickled onions.”

Logan’s partner Helen Archer said: “Whenever Tom talks about his signature dish I want to hold his hand on the stove.”