Man so excellent at driving he can set his own speed limits

A DRIVER is so brilliant at controlling a car he knows exactly how fast he can go without crashing or mowing people down.

Without even needing any specialist training, 29-year-old Tom Booker has used the power of self-belief to master the art of driving at twice the speed limit.

Booker said: “I’ve cut it fine a few times but that’s the only way you achieve excellence – not playing it by the Highway Code.

“Sure, other people – shall we say ladies? – should stick to the speed limit. But a natural driver like me knows instinctively when to overtake on a blind corner.

“Superb driving is a state of mind. That and pushing the pedal down quite far. And sometimes pushing the other pedal quite quickly when you realise an oncoming lorry is about to turn you into jam.”

Booker now feels his superlative driving skills have qualified him to rewrite other areas of the Highway Code, such as overtaking on the inside and parking in disabled spaces.

He added: “The same goes for drink driving. If you can’t handle a vehicle after four pints you shouldn’t really be driving in the first place.”

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What are you going to do, send James Bond? says Russia

RUSSIA has reminded Britain that threats to dismantle its spy network carry little weight given the fictional status of our best agent.

The prime minister’s order to shut down the GRU after the Novichok attack is seen as a hollow threat due to James Bond not existing.

A GRU spokesman said: “Bond has saved the world countless times, but in real life we’re not that scared of a single operative who is good at fist fights and knows a lot about alcohol. And is made-up.

“The only real British spies who were any good were the Cambridge Five, but what they excelled at was passing all your secrets to the Soviets. As we say in Russia, ‘Ha ha ha.’

“Meanwhile we have actual spies. Do they have intercourse with sexy girls on the moon? No. Do they carry out missions in the real world while wearing puffa jackets? Yes.

“007 is undoubtedly better than our spies at flying a gyrocopter and shagging, but we prefer our guys to just get on with spying and killing people without all the puns.”

He added: “Okay, Putin does have an underground lair where he sits in a leather chair stroking a white cat. But that’s just a coincidence.”