Man somehow believes his flat is clean

A MAN who believes his flat is quite clean is incorrect, it has emerged.

Tom Logan was expecting lavish praise from girlfriend Mary Fisher after a rigorous cleaning operation that took over an hour and left him physically exhausted.

Logan said: “I emptied the bins and scraped all the grease off the cooker hood. It was basically a hardcore professional cleaning job.

“But when Mary came over she said it was still dirty and started doing weird things like putting soapy water in the bin and taking the lampshades off to wipe them. I hope she’s not got OCD.

“She actually started scrubbing the floor. I thought they only did that in period dramas because vacuum cleaners hadn’t been invented yet.”

Fisher said: “Sadly Tom did not realise there is a higher standard of cleaning that goes far beyond wiping the dust off the Playstation.

“I was going to tell him he can get rid of the black mould in the shower just with a good scrub, but that could undermine his entire perception of reality.”

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House full of 'Love' paraphernalia has really tense atmosphere

A HOUSE full of love-themed trinkets is actually a horrible place to spend time, guests have confirmed.  

Joanna Kramer and Wayne Hayes have decorated their home with romance-themed pictures, fairy lights and even cushions spelling out L-O-V-E, yet the atmosphere is suffocatingly tense.

Visitor Nikki Hollis said: “It is honestly one of the most stressful places I have ever been, and I recently got ‘extreme vetted’ on the way to America.

“At one point I tried to lighten the mood by moving the cushions around to spell out vole – I thought Sarah was going to stab me.”

The couple’s latest interior design purchase is a huge distressed wood sign bearing the phrase ‘Live Laugh Love’, although they have only done one of these in the past two years.

Meanwhile, the pair are maintaining a similar approach online, regularly posting Facebook and Instagram selfies tagged ‘#myonlyone’ and ‘#truelove’ despite the ever-growing resentment evident in their smiles.