Man starts another pointless f**king project

A MAN has started another stupid fucking waste of time, he has confirmed. 

Nathan Muir, 37, has decided to become a part-time antique dealer and now spends his weekend at charity shops and car boot sales rummaging through a load of shit  which he believes he can sell for a profit on eBay.

He said: “I’ve got an eye for this kind of thing. I can always spot the gems on Flog It!

“It’s a lot more suited to me than my last project of turning the spare room into a games room, which turned out to be too big a task for one man to take on and also I lost interest.

“I’ve already picked up a jug which the internet says isn’t Clarice Cliff but I’m confident is, a framed picture of an owl which could go for a grand easy, and a chair. Though if I’m honest I’m not sure about the chair.

“This won’t be like restoring that motorbike, or my Primeval fanzine, or when I decided to start collecting Hot Wheels. This time it’s different.”

Partner Emma Bradford said: “The thing is, most of the shit you see in charity shops has already been picked over by experts and is priced at two quid for a reason.

“Still, it gives me more time at the weekends for my current project of still sleeping with my ex.”

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People moaning on about Christmas stuff in shops getting earlier every year

THE annual festival of whinging about premature displays of Christmas goods in shops is getting earlier every year, it has been confirmed.

Retailers have reported record numbers of miserable bastards complaining about the appearance of decorations and chocolate bars in plastic stockings, even though it is entirely predictable.

Shop manager Donna Sheridan said: “It’s incredible. Christmas is still over two months away and already the shops are full of people pissing and moaning.

“It’s great there’s such a buzz. You wouldn’t think people would get so excited about Christmas stuff appearing in shops whose sole purpose is to sell things. Especially at Christmas.”

Shopper Mary Fisher said: “When I was a child you never saw anyone getting shitty about crackers and tinsel appearing in Asda until at least the last week in November.

“I’m totally against it because everyone’s already complaining in October so there are no gripes left for the actual festive season. They’re ruining the whole spirit of Christmas moaning.”

Retail experts now believe the combination of profit-hungry shops and whinging bastards means shoppers could soon be moaning their bollocks off as early as June.