Man thought bank was his friend

A MAN’S bank that was incredibly welcoming and friendly has suddenly turned nasty over the relatively trivial matter of a £15,000 loan.

Tom Logan has been threatened with legal action after missing several loan payments, despite years of cheerful leaflets and implied friendship from his bank.

Logan said: “I’m pretty pissed off. Their adverts all show people hanging out and having a nice time together, and now they’re being arsey over a bit of cash.

“They even have a slogan ‘Whenever you need help, we’re here for you’, which is like the theme song from Friends. In fact I thought we were friends, but it turns out they’re totally fake.

“It’s not just the adverts, they were always sending me brochures full of nice pictures and helpful advice about ISAs. They even rang me once to ask my advice on improving their customer service. I thought we were close.

“In my branch the lady always gave me a big smile. I thought she was genuinely pleased to see me but now I’m starting to suspect she’d just been on a training course.”

A spokesman for Northern Prudential said: “Sometimes even the best of friends fall out, and then one friend has to send the bailiffs round to the other friend’s house to take away their car.”


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Man can't help putting on weird accent when he talks to workmen

A MIDDLE-CLASS man cannot stop himself putting on a strange working-class accent when he meets people who do physical work.

Graphic designer Stephen Malley talks with a mildly posh accent until dealing with people doing things like cleaning out his gutters, at which point he will use phrases like ‘Alright mate?’.

Malley said: “The other day I caught myself saying ‘Safe, bruv’ to the callout plumber in a vaguely Essex accent. It came out before I could stop it. It’s like a class-based version of Tourette’s.”

Wife Sophie said: “It happens whenever Stephen encounters anyone with a more ‘manly’ job, who I think he sort of looks up to. It’s terribly embarrassing.

“You can’t take him anywhere. Last week a builder wolf-whistled at me and he shouted ‘Oi, that’s my bird, you muppet’. I’m sure he gets some of it from Eastenders.

“I live in fear of the day someone assumes he’s taking the piss and punches him in the face. It’s a miracle it hasn’t happened yet.”

Stephen Malley added: “If anyone gives me any grief I’ll deck the fucker. Sorry, I must apologise, I’ve been talking to our electrician.”