Man unsure whether he's drinking in a pub or f**king crèche

A MAN is unable to tell if he is enjoying a pint in his favourite boozer or a rowdy nursery for parents and their newborn children.

Norman Steele was left confused by the presence of pub paraphernalia like beer taps and a fruit machine next to crèche shit like mums and dads cradling their incessantly shrieking spawn.

He said: “My senses don’t know what to think. It looks like the same old place where grumpy bastards come to drink their lives away, only there’s prams and colouring pads and tiny bawling humans everywhere. Maybe I’ve gone insane.

“If this was a pub then I should only be able to hear slurred chatter punctuated by the occasional rustling of crisp packets, yet I can distinctly make out the deafening cries of babies and the futile bargaining of their parents.

“On the other hand, a crèche should be filled with exciting toys and colourful furniture. Not a dart board and a floor soaked with American pale ale. The big telly with Sky Sports on it probably wouldn’t go amiss though.”

Mother of one Grace Wood-Morris said: “You’re better off going to a crèche if you want a quiet pint. Me and my friends and our many children are going to be here all day, and Christ knows we need a drink to get through it.”

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Football in park scaring the shit out of everyone

A FOOTBALL being boisterously kicked around a crowded park is causing everyone to flinch in terror, it has emerged.

The ball, which is being haphazardly hoofed between a group of half a dozen young people, has changed the park from a pleasant public space into an anxiety-inducing lawn of despair.

Picnic goer Emma Bradford said: “This was supposed to be a relaxing day out. But with every thunderous punt I’m bracing myself for a ball to rocket into my potato salad. Kind of takes the fun out of everything.

“The lack of control makes everything worse. That ball’s just as likely to be passed around as it is to carom off the back of someone’s head and into my face. At which point I’ll be expected to cheerfully return it while attending to a nosebleed.”

Sunbather Eleanor Shaw said: “They’re not even playing a proper game with it. They’re just sending it as high into the air as they can over and over. Hopefully they’ll get bored soon and f**k off, although it’s been two hours already and they’re not looking tired.”

Ball owner Joshua Hudson said: “I like shouting ‘heads’ every now and then and watching everyone cower.”