Man who can’t spell basic words demands you take his opinions seriously

A MAN who constantly posts his opinions on the internet does not seem to realise his spelling undermines his credibility.

Roy Hobbs thinks he is a serious commentator on issues of the day, despite using horrible misspellings like ‘probebly’, ‘interlectuals’ and ‘definately’.

Friend Emma Bradford said: “Roy hasn’t grasped that if he thinks ‘restoraunt’ is spelt like that people might realise he’s not an expert on politics, economics or any other subject.

“He’s constantly writing ‘looser’ when he means ‘loser’ and ‘lightening’ when he means ‘lightning’. When it comes to ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’ I think he just picks one at random.

“He’s always spouting pompous reactionary crap, so a typical post will be, ‘In my estimatoin, a bridge with France would be disasterous. We do not want closure intergration with the Continant.’

Hobbs said: “Criticising someone’s spelling is a pathetic attempt to undermine valid arguments such as my view that we should ban transsexuals from TV to stop children thinking it’s ‘cool’.”

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5 diets guaranteed to make you unspeakably tedious!

Do you want to become a fit, thin, dreadful twat? Here are a few popular ways to lose weight and the will to live in just a few weeks! 

The juice diet
Bored of moving your teeth? Then this is the diet for you. Take some delicious fruit and vegetables and place in a blender until they look like baby shite. Instagram it immediately then drink while longing for death.

Weight Watchers 
Lose weight and friends at the same time by tirelessly telling people that their food contains ‘more calories than a Mars Bar.’ Continuously bang on about points and calories until your friends lock you in a cupboard. There’s no food in there!

The Slimfast diet
Do you love feeling hungry all the time? Then why not replace food with a milk shake? What better way to feel utterly miserable than sipping a cold, bland shake instead of savouring a delicious chicken korma, like this one.

The stop eating anything nice diet
Cakes are nice. Beer is nice. Chocolate is nice. Bacon is nice. Far too nice for you. The best way to a thin and fun-free future is to replace all nice food with cabbage. Just cabbage. Nothing but cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage.

Go Vegan
Tell everybody that you have gone vegan. Then talk about nothing except the amazing benefits of being a vegan until you’re drugged, wrapped in a plastic sheet and thrown into a canal. At this point you should drink a little bit of the canal water. You’ll lose weight at an absolutely terrifying pace!