Man who last had a fight in 1978 still reckons he could handle himself

A MAN whose last fight was at primary school against a smaller boy believes he still has what it takes if shit went down.

Office manager Tom Logan, 46, defeated schoolmate Martin Bishop 40 years ago, although the ‘fight’ involved little actual punching and was more of an ineffectual wrestling match.

Logan, however, is convinced that he has lost none of his combat skills in the ensuing years.

He said: “Fighting’s like riding a bike. Once you’ve done it once, you’re brilliant at it forever.

“I don’t go to the gym or do self-defence or boxing training like a lot of these muppets you get. I just rerun that fight over and over in my mind.

“If someone kicked off now I’d be straight in there like I was in 1978. I imagine it would be over something more serious than who’s the best character in Blake’s 7 though.

“And this time there’ll be no Mr Laverty the PE teacher coming over just as I was about to get him with a Chinese burn.”

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Play the Princess Eugenie's wedding drinking game

THE tedious televised nuptials of Princess Eugenie and some bloke will be more fun if you’re pissed, so play our royal wedding-themed drinking game.

All you have to do is stock up on booze and have a drink every time one of the following things happens…

The Queen looks like she’s chewing a wasp

Although after spending eight decades doing this sort of nonsense you can’t blame Queenie for being a bit jaded and only able to crack a smile when she sees a horse or a massive gin.

Harry and Meghan’s wedding is mentioned

Eugenie’s wedding is creepily identical to Harry and Meghan’s, so comparisons will be made. However, given that Jack Brooksbank is a forgettable tequila ‘ambassador’ and Meghan is a glamorous American from the telly, it’s still going to look a bit Poundland.

Fergie reminds you of your mum when she’s had a few

Red-faced, over-excited and trying to hog all the attention, Fergie is the nation’s most embarrassing mum, even when she’s not sucking some bald bloke’s toes. (Have an extra drink at this point to blot out that mental image.)

Eamonn Holmes mentions the bride’s ‘charity work’

Princess Eugenie doesn’t have any royal duties, so pissing taxpayer’s money up the wall on her wedding has to be justified somehow.

A B-list celebrity forgets they’re on camera

Take a drink if you spot Robbie Williams, Cindy Crawford or either of the Beckhams picking their nose or yawning. Down it in one if it’s a D-lister there to make up the numbers, eg. Dean Gaffney or Myleene Klass.