Man who thinks he hasn't got Northern accent totally does

A NORTHERNER who fondly imagines he does not have a noticeable accent could not be more wrong.

Tom Logan, originally from Winsford but currently based in Cheam, believes he has a totally neutral accent, not realising colleagues refer to him as ‘Northern Tom’ and ‘Ecky Thump Man’. 

Office worker Logan said: “Regional accents are great, but not having one means I can blend in effortlessly in any situation and be judged for who I am, not where I’m from. I like to think I’m a bit of a social chameleon.”

However co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Tom sounds exactly like a character from Last of the Summer Wine or an Alan Bennett simpleton who won’t stop drivelling on about biscuits.

“He asked me if I wanted to go for a drink, and I almost said yes because he’s not bad looking, but then I realised he might want to do that thing where he puts a ferret up my trousers. 

“Sorry, but I’m just not into that. Also if we got serious I’m not moving into a terraced house in Wigan with his coal miner dad sitting naked in a tin bath.”

Logan’s boss Nathan Muir said: “Tom couldn’t be more Northern if he dressed like one of the Tetley Tea folk and had a pet kestrel. I’m surprised he’s even working for a digital marketing firm when he could be ‘down t’pit’.”

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How to survive being back at work and still hungover

ARE you feeling sh*t this morning after overdoing the booze all weekend? Here’s how to get through the terrifying day ahead. 

Find some easy stuff to do

Pretend you need to ‘sort out’ your desk drawers or photocopy ‘important’ documents. This only works if you have a cr*p office job but let’s face it, you’re not a top barrister or captain of an aircraft carrier, so start tidying those paper clips.

Have a vomiting strategy

It’s hard to be sick in a bin and still look professional, no matter how passionately you say, “I just KNEW there was something wrong with that salmon last night!” Monitor your nausea closely and be ready to walk abnormally fast to the nearest toilet at a split second’s notice.

Fight the paranoia

Easier said than done, but keep reminding yourself that paranoid thoughts are just alcohol poisoning. For example:

● You are NOT going to pass out, leading to your shameful drinking habits being revealed, getting the sack and spending the rest of your life in a hostel.

● Your co-workers are NOT secretly laughing at what a reprehensible tossbag you are. They are just pretending to find Gavin’s tedious pictures of his kid’s birthday delightful.

● You are NOT going to get trapped in the lift while the building catches fire and you die a horrible death. That’s just stupid. Get a grip.

Go to the pub ASAP

A lunchtime pint can have almost magical powers against a hangover. Not exactly the most responsible thing to do, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Or irresponsible drinking with irresponsible drinking.

Avoid the scary people

Your nerves are probably too frazzled to cope with intimidating colleagues, so hide from them. You’ve only got to make it till 5.30pm, so if it means playing a ridiculous game of cat-and-mouse in the corridors like Ripley in Alien, go for it.