Man with Olympic tattoo publicly flayed

A 22-YEAR-OLD London man with an unauthorised tattoo of the Olympic rings has received a gruesome public punishment.

The Trafalgar Square flaying, Britain’s first since 1586, was attended by a crowd of thousands. Millions more watched on webcam and cheered wildly as Tom Booker’s neatly-removed skin was waved in the air by grinning Olympic henchmen.

Booker, who viewers at home could see screaming in close-up by pressing the red button, expired less than 20 minutes later.

Donna Ryan, UK marketing director of London 2012, told worldwide audiences: “So will all violators of copyright and trademark rightfully belonging to the London Organising Committee to the Olympic Games perish!

“I am not without mercy, and shall have this man’s skin made into a clutch bag and given to his pregnant wife as a constant reminder of his crime.”

The event also saw close to a hundred street traders found using Olympic logos without permission executed before the throne of Baron Sebastian Coe.

Prominent critics of London 2012 had their tongues crushed, while tens of thousands who dared to complain about the limited availability of tickets were granted clemency and exiled to the unpopulated wastes of mid-Wales.

Baron Sebastian Coe presided over the day, at one point turning his thumb downwards and condemning the owner of Hackney’s Five Rings Kebab Shop to be torn apart by wild dogs.

He said: “This will be an unforgettable summer, and if it is not I swear by Olympic partners Visa I will see the mighty Thames run crimson with London’s blood.”

 

 

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Women 'have best sex surveys in their 20s'

WOMEN enjoy the best sex surveys of their lives in their 20s, according to new research.

The survey challenges the findings of earlier sex surveys, which suggested that womens’ sex survey drive peaked in their 40s.

It also found that by their mid-30s, many women had lost interest in sex surveys altogether.

Sex therapist Eleanor Shaw said: “When you’re young, sex surveys are fresh and exciting.

“But as you get older, you realise that reading about what percentage of a group of anonymous strangers have tried a threesome is a deeply unfulfilling experience.

“And it’s only normal that interest in sex surveys should wane as people come to realise they are just thinly veiled plugs for products aimed at women, usually tampons or sex toys.”

The survey, commissioned by sex toy retailer LadyBliss, was released to the press on the understanding that the company name would be mentioned at least once.

Teacher Donna Sheridan, 35, said: “I used to enjoy sex surveys, but I’ve started getting bored with their small sample sizes and shoddy methodology.

“Perhaps if they started experimenting with different font sizes, radical typefaces like ‘Wingdings’, or weirder questions like ‘Have you ever painted your whole body green then seduced your lover while wearing a gas mask and holding a kumquat?’ it might spice things up and revive my flagging sex survey life.”