Lost rave tribe found beneath Hacienda

A SEMI-MYTHICAL group of troglodyte ravers has been discovered by workmen at Manchester’s legendary Hacienda.

Workmen in the former nightclub were alerted by muffled sounds of uplifting piano house coming from behind a wall.

Further excavation revealed over 140 sealed-in ‘lost’ ravers – who now refer to themselves as the Gurnites and operate a simple barter economy based on drugs, cigarettes and bottled water – making repetitive movements while sucking dummies.

Rave historian Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a long-standing rumour that when the Hacienda closed, a group of truly hardcore dancers decided to wall themselves up in its basement rather than face the demise of dance culture.

“Several hundred baggy-trousered E-heads, along with DJ Graeme Park and a decent sized sound system remained in the bowels of the building, determined that the party would continue forever.

“But until now I just thought it was one of those club culture myths, like ‘the friendly bouncer’.”

Builder Stephen Malley said: “They’d been living on dirty condensation leaking from overhead pipes then bottled and re-sold as ‘mineral water’ at £5 a pop.

“The room stinks of Vicks and there are bug-eyed near-skeletons blowing whistles and shouting ‘fucking come on’. It’s pretty old school in there.”

Plans are now afoot to let the Gurnites continue their decades-long party as a kind of living museum.

Manchester city councillor Tom Logan said: “We hope that school groups can visit the eternal ravers and learn about what youth culture used to be like before it got ruined by corporate sponsorship.

“And also of course the physical and mental effects of getting ‘one more tune’ 300,000 times in a row.”



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Joey Barton 'based personality on Swayze in Road House'

FOOTBALLER Joey Barton has confessed to stealing his philosophising tough guy persona from the lead character in the 1989 movie Road House.

The film, regarded as a cult classic, stars Swayze as a professional nightclub bouncer and is famous for lines including ‘Nobody ever wins a fight,’ and ‘Be nice until it’s time not to be nice’.

QPR player Barton apparently saw the film on Channel 5 while at the Sporting Chance clinic and realised he could belt as many people as he liked if he came out with a few supposedly deep statements in between.

He said: “It started at City when I got a red card and told the lads, ‘Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he’ll drop like a stone.’

“I thought they’d know it from the film, but Stuart Pearce nodded slowly like I’d said something really wise and I realised I could get away with this.

“You should have seen Alan Shearer’s face when I said ‘I used to fuck guys like you in prison’. Although thinking back on it I’m not sure whether that was anger or mild arousal.”

QPR manager Mark Hughes said: “Like most men, the only Patrick Swayze film I’ve seen is Point Break so I thought Joey was quoting proper philosophers like Plato and Decartes.

“The news is going to hit DJ Campbell the hardest, though. He’s just had Marcus Aurelius saying ‘Pain don’t hurt’ tattooed on his leg.”