Man's DIY to-do list wins award for best fantasy novel

A LIST of DIY jobs written by a Wrexham man has won the Hugo award for Best Fantasy Novel. 

Nathan Muir’s list, which extended to two sides of A4, has been compared to Brave New World in its depiction of an ‘almost unimaginable’ future utopia of order and control.

Judge Susan Traherne said: “It begins slowly, with the close-to-conceivable jobs of ‘put picture up’ and ‘paint chimney breast’.

“But quickly and dizzyingly it spirals into a realm of tasks far beyond what any ordinary man, and especially not a clueless twat like Nathan, could possibly comprehend, like ‘retile bathroom’, ‘replace damp course’ and ‘repoint patio’.

“We’ve seen the lot in this job: alien worlds, AI-based societies, infinite parallel universes, all that shit. But we’ve never seen something that plumbs the depths of human delusion and explores mankind’s unrealistic yet persistent vision of metamorphosis and change. It could never, ever happen.”

Wife Sophie Muir said: “It could scarcely have been less realistic if it had included ‘meet Batman’, ‘learn to fly’ and ‘reverse time’.

“This is a house where we got our screwdriver free in a Christmas cracker and have had the wrong time on the oven clock since 2016 because we don’t know how to change it.”

Nathan is understood to be working on a sequel, ‘Finances’, expected to feature ‘change broadband supplier’ and ‘sort pension’.

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Johnson hits back at Cummings by revealing lockdown Durham trip was illegal

BORIS Johnson has hit back at Dominic Cummings by revealing his aide’s drive to Durham last year breached lockdown regulations. 

The British public has been shocked to the core by the revelation that the trip, which was explained to their complete satisfaction in Downing Street’s rose garden by Cummings, was actually illegal all along.

Johnson said: “There. Didn’t expect that did you, you four-eyed Mekon twat?

“I’m sorry, Britain, but Dom misled you. It actually isn’t perfectly reasonable for a man who suspects he has Covid to load his family into the car and drive 270 miles to Durham. It’s actually bad.

“And what’s more, Covid isn’t known to affect the eyesight, and even if it did going for a drive to a beauty spot on your wife’s birthday is a terrible way to test it. There. That’s bloody got you.

“In fact, and I hate to hit you with this bombshell Britain, but Dom was actually lying about the whole thing. It was all a load of weak, preposterous excuses. What do you think about that?”

Bill McKay of Peterborough said: “No. I just can’t believe it. Not Dom.”