Man's 'Only God can judge me' tattoo proved wrong by magistrates' court

A TATTOO claiming ‘Only God can judge me’ has been proved wrong by a district judge.

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, appeared in court charged with a spate of thefts and displaying body art stating that only a Biblical entity could pass judgement upon him.

But Judge Mary Fisher said: “It may well be the case that only some sort of deity responsible for all life on Earth can judge you in the afterlife.

“But in this life, I’m judging you. I’m also sentencing you to four months in prison.”

Booker said: “This is exactly what they did to Tupac. Or similar at least.”

Judge Fisher was surprised to have to say the exact same thing later that day to lap dancer/cocaine dealer Donna Sheridan and car thief Wayne Hayes.

Hayes said: “The judge obviously didn’t read my tattoo properly, because if she had she would have realised I was out of her jurisdiction.”


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‘The Brexiteer’ pub chain launched

A CHAIN of pubs called The Brexiteer has opened for people who are jubilant about leaving the EU.

The pubs allow customers to drink in patriotic surroundings while feeling they are part of a glorious chapter in British history rather than having fucked everything for no good reason.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “I love the Brexiteer because you can talk about foreigners without some bitter ‘remoaner’ going ‘No, you’re a penis.’

“The decor’s very tasteful – Union Jack wallpaper with framed prints of Spitfires. It’s just a great place to drink and chill out with I Vow to Thee, My Country on the jukebox.

“They only serve British drinks, which I agree with, but if you don’t like bitter it does limit your choice to Carling or wine that tastes like nettle juice.”

Pub manager Nikki Hollis said: “I doubt the metropolitan elite will come here and find out because they’re too busy sneering in posh London.

“Also I think it was right to take Scotch eggs off the lunchtime snack menu because Nicola Sturgeon is a traitor and we don’t need Scotland anyway.”

Student Tom Logan said: “On the plus side, you can smoke in there. On the minus side, everything else.”