Monday, 25th May 2020

Man's 'spirit animal' is binge-drinking sloth addicted to masturbation

A SPIRITUAL journey has revealed to a man his totem animal is a lazy sloth that drinks five nights a week and masturbates very frequently.

Nathan Muir had expected his spirit animal to be a tiger that could do karate or a particularly cool DJing dolphin, but admitted he appreciated the honesty.

He said: “Yeah I bought the book, I lit the sage, I meditated and it turns out that I’m a sloth that doesn’t always hang in the tree because it also goes out to the pub pretty often. And wanks. A lot.

“Sure, my deep and meaningful self-investigation has revealed that I’m a shiftless pisshead, but I could have been a bat with a terrible credit rating, or an opiate-addicted turtle.

“Honestly I’m chuffed with it. I’m going to have a tattoo of a sloth with a pint of Guinness and a fag, when I can be arsed.”

Native American Kuruk Redcloud said: “White people have no business stealing our culture. Though ‘pissed, wanking sloth’ does seem accurate.”