Man's views ignored by mainstream just because he thinks racism is not as bad as wind turbines

A MAN’S views are being ignored by mainstream politicians just because he is a paranoid racist consumed by burning hatred.

Martin Bishop, who is always in the pub to the extent that no else is allowed to sit in ‘Martin’s seat’, has demanded to know why none of the major parties listens to his opinions on foreigners, electric cars and Jews.

Bishop said: “I get ignored by arrogant politicians because I’m an honest working man who just happens to believe proud Anglo-Saxons are destined to dominate the other, weaker races.

“And that’s not racist to say that. It’s science. Racial science from Victorian scientists, who everyone knows were the best scientists.”

He added: “We had a woman come round from Labour and she said my views are ‘offensive’. You know what’s offensive? Wind turbines.

“And also the Asian family next door who’ve got a heroin farm in their loft, I hear them up there at night, trimming the heroin plants and laughing about me in their strange tongue.”

Bishop’s mother Mary said: “He has good in him, but his father was one of those big angry men with a bad leg. If he focused on basic hygiene instead of Zionist conspiracies he might meet a woman and it would change him.”

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Giving kids stuff makes them like you, uncles confirm

THE nation’s uncles have confirmed that if you turn up every three months or so with a big present, the kids think you are great. 

Tom Booker, an uncle to four children, admitted that he had initially expected it to be hard work forming a bond, but that big gifts do the job very efficiently. 

He said: “They’re at the windows when before I’ve even got out of the car, shouting ‘Uncle Tommy! Uncle Tommy!’ 

“Then I do this thing where I head to the front door, do a double-take, go back to the car and get whatever I’ve just bought them out of the boot while they work themselves into a frenzy. 

“I expected I’d have to play with them, you know, get on the carpet and put some time in, but they really don’t care. So I just head to kitchen and help myself to a beer.

“I get the whole works: ‘We love you, Uncle Tommy!’ ‘When are you coming again, Uncle Tommy?’ all for about £40 a quarter.

“I’ve considered writing some sort of guide, but it would be very short.”