Marriage not as good as 'Predator', say men

MARRYING a woman who shares your hopes and dreams is still nowhere near as good as Predator, according to a new survey.

A poll of husbands for Bride magazine found that 80% rated the Schwarzenegger epic had higher levels of excitement and intellectual stimulation than a lifetime commitment to some woman.

Nathan Muir, from York, said: “The scene where Arnie looks up from the body of a pal who’s just had several major organs vaporized by a seven foot skull-collecting merchant of death and says – ‘if it bleeds, we can kill it’, sums up what it is to be a man.

“Don’t get me wrong – I like my wife. But I love Predator.”

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, went so far as to have a Predator-themed wedding to wife Jane in July 2001.

He said: “When Jane’s father walked her down the aisle we had the Vicar dress up as Predator, leap out from behind the altar and pretend to slit her throat.

“Fake blood sprayed everywhere and her dad fell to the floor screaming. He didn’t have a clue what was going on. Meanwhile my Nan had some sort of vomiting fit, crossed herself and then collapsed in a heap.”

He added: “We still go and see her about once a month but she’s not really aware of other people anymore.”

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Carling Cup Concluded Without Sexual Incident

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

Villa opened the scoring while managing to avoid slathering the ball in KY Jelly but United triumphed after scoring two goals without the ball being whisked away to the Borehamwood Travelodge for a spit roast recorded on a mobile phone.

A Football Association spokesman said: "It was a great advert for the game to show that Premier League players can manage to keep it flaccid for 90 minutes, although nobody can countenance United winning a cup without being sick a little in their mouth."

There were concerns the final might descend into lubricious chaos after United's Patrice Evra was seen gazing longingly at the Queen's profile during the coin toss.

But play was able to continue after the referee reassured the United captain that three middle-aged women were currently being greased up in the team dressing room.

Villa manager Martin O'Neill consoled his players by reminding them there were still many hundreds of UK glamour models that they had not yet done something disgraceful on.

He added: "A lot of the lads are young and this defeat has hit them quite badly but I had to point out to them that they still have years of behaving like Caligula on his stag night ahead of them. Carew has been a big help."

The victory is Sir Alex Ferguson's 34th trophy, 32 of which have been won without anyone being charged with gross indecency involving livestock or tarts.