MINISTERS are being urged to extend a tax break for married people to any couple whose sex life is a distant memory.
The plan to give married couples an extra £150 a year has angered people who say their long-term relationships are just as devoid of genital fun as any marriage.
Tom Booker, an architect from Hatfield, said: “We may not have signed a piece of paper, but my girlfriend and I have a mortgage, a child, and I received my last blowjob in June 2010 when England were knocked out of the World Cup. And that was really just a fancy hug.”
Donna Sheridan, a nursery teacher from Finbsury Park, said: Im against marriage because my boyfriends surname is Cockshuffle, but that doesnt mean our relationship hasnt become a hellish prison in which we both masturbate secretly behind closed doors.
“I want the government to recognise that with money.”
She added: At the very least I should be able to claim tax relief on my collection of diesel-powered German dildos.”
Meanwhile, gay groups say the tax break should also include sex-free civil partnerships. Julian Cook said: The myth about gay guys having loads of sex has turned out to be a very huge myth indeed.
My partner and I have been together seven years, and when were both hinting that a blowjob would help relieve work-related stress it’s like we’re North and South Korea.”
Senior Tory Lord Tebbit has vehemently opposed the reforms, adding: If all it takes is not having sex, whats to stop a non-incestuous brother and sister claiming it? Or a cowboy and his unattractive horse? Or two men, a frog and a banjo?
“Who are you? What are we talking about?