May to purge Britain of people who steal toilet paper from work 

THERESA May has launched a brutal crackdown on people who steal toilet rolls from their employers.

The prime minister branded toilet paper thieves as ‘enemies of the state’ and insisted their crimes were a ‘direct challenge to her authority’.

She said: “The stealing of toilet paper from the workplace is an act of treason. And that’s that.”

The prime minister has also demanded the extradition of British people who stole toilet paper from work and then fled the country.

But human rights activists warned that May’s crackdown could lead to the purging of everyone in Britain.

A spokesman for Liberty said: “I steal bog roll from here all the time. So did Shami Chakrabarti. She used to bring in an extra big shoulder bag on Fridays.”

One toilet paper thief added: “I thought Theresa May was all about protecting the poorest? Stealing toilet paper is the closest I get to an annual bonus.”

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Jesus was the original Pokemon, claims Church of England

THE Church of England is attempting to attract younger people with a new version of the Bible which includes Pokemon.

At services across the UK, vicars have tweaked Bible readings to include references to the children’s game and erected weird-looking cardboard cut-outs of Jesus for the congregation to ‘catch’ with their mobile phones.

Reverend Julian Cooke said: “In many ways Jesus is the Pikachu of the Bible.

“Matthew and John were like the Professor and the gospels are guides that teach us how we can better manage our inner Poke Ball so that we may capture that rarest of Pokemon, God.

“We must search for God as we would a Sandslash or a Dragonite, with patience and love and striving for our entire lives to understand His complex plan.”

Wayne Hayes said: “When we realised the sign outside the church promising there were Pokemon inside was a lie, we got up to leave.

“The desperate vicar said that he’d create a PokeStop if we stayed.”