Maybe you just need to learn more, GCSE students told

PUPILS protesting GCSE results have been asked to consider whether they might get better grade if they learn more things.

As protests over lower grades intensify, education chiefs have offered an alternative explanation to a massive conspiracy between government departments.

Exam board director Roy Hobbs said: “I know kids have been getting progressively cleverer every single year and that schools have been getting better and better for the last two decades because somehow our evolution is hurtling toward us becoming a race of glowing, hovering brains.

“But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to pick up a book once in a while and look at the words contained within.

“We’d love to make it all really easy so everyone feels good, but when kids start getting pass grades just for daubing inky hand prints on exam papers you have to tighten shit up.

“It’s somewhat tough luck if you get caught up in that process, but otherwise in a few years’ time a lot of planes will be falling out of the sky and the role of teachers will be just to smoke cigarettes behind the ‘resources room’.”

A large delegation of protesting pupils with poor geography results accidentally ended up in Wakefield rather than London.

The group believed they were heading toward Downing Street, which at least three of them are aware is where the king lives.

Hobbs said: “Tell you what, I’ll give an instant English A grade to anyone who can tell me what a Wilfred Owen is.

“Nope. Thought not.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Should I get to know my neighbours by burgling them?

Dear Holly,

My wife and I are new to our community and are thinking about how we can get to know our neighbours. Obviously, the first thing that springs to mind is burglary, but we’re not sure if that’s everyone’s bag, especially the old lady next door. Any suggestions? 


Dear Sylvester,

Have you considered inviting people round to your house to play something jolly like the ouija board? Me and my friends love nothing more than getting together to contact the devil and put some curses on people we hate, like Caroline Flack. Not many people know this, but Caroline Flack has recently acquired seventeen bumholes all over her body thanks to our most recent communications with Satan. Imagine the mess when she gets diarrhoea! So far she’s managed to keep her dreadful secret under wraps, but we’re always monitoring Heat magazine just in case.

Hope that helps,