Men desperate to help push car

A GROUP of over 80 men is jostling to help push a broken-down car.

Following the battery-related breakdown of a Jeep, nearby men stopped whatever they were doing and desperately rushed to assist, with several falling over as they ran out of nearby businesses.

Passer-by Tom Logan said: “As a man, there is nothing I love more than pushing a car. Even better if the driver is also a man, because it makes me look superior to him and dominant.

“I’ve grabbed a bit of bumper and am making grunting noises even though the other men have all the weight.

“I might even shout ‘pump the clutch, pump the clutch’, whatever that means. I don’t even drive.”

Local shop owner Stephen Malley said: “This could be my only chance to do a manly thing this year.

“I’ve managed to open the passenger door and push that, which is a higher-status pushing role than at the back.”

He said: “Women are watching us with desire in their eyes. This is what I live for.”


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All fiction banned in case some moron thinks it is real

FICTION-BASED books, films and television programmes have been banned to avoid confusing idiots.

Following ongoing concern that morons cannot differentiate between real events and ‘fake news’, the government has banned all material featuring made-up characters and situations.

Mouth-breather Wayne Hayes said: “I recently watched a ‘fake news’ documentary called The Walking Dead which showed how America has been taken over by zombies.

“It revealed vital information like how you have to shoot them in the head. There was a woman with a sword cutting off their heads and it was very realistic.

“I only found out it was fake when I suggested to everyone at work that we build a high metal fence around the office and start burning our dead.”

He added: “Clearly media companies make up these lies to influence anti-zombie voters.”

The restrictions include a ban on stories that describe fictional scenarios, especially country and western songs which tell detailed stories of boxcar journeys.

Music fan Joanna Kramer said: “When Drake sings about meeting girls in hotel bars, often there wasn’t even a hotel, or a bar, or a girl. It’s all made up to make us feel stupid.

“There is a theme park with real dinosaurs though, my sister went there last year.”