Man thinks watching Sherlock makes him an intellectual

A MAN believes he is intellectually superior because he slavishly follows the implausible storylines of Sherlock, he has revealed.

IT support worker Martin Bishop thinks the show’s convoluted plots, contrived twists and in-jokes mean it can only be understood by highly intelligent viewers.

Bishop said: “The show’s full of deep ideas like Moriarty being an evil mirror image of Sherlock because they’re both clever and obsessive. Simple folk who like Emmerdale don’t understand mindbending concepts like that.

“People complain Sherlock is full of things that don’t make sense, but they don’t realise that’s just Steve Moffat having a meta-joke with the fans because he respects our intelligence so much.

“We intellectuals also enjoy re-watching episodes to fully appreciate them. Tonight I’m watching A Scandal in Bohemia for the 11th time, which just happens to be the one with Irene Adler’s lovely arse.

“I think what I like most about Sherlock is that he’s rude, awkward and socially dysfunctional, which is how people at work describe me all the time.”

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May tells GPs to offer Thai cooking classes

THERESA May has told GP surgeries to teach a range of evening classes to avoid closure.

Stopping people dying has been downgraded to a minor credit when assessing GP clinics compared to offering a beginner’s guide to Thai cuisine.

May said: “For too long GPs have seen themselves as somebody that gives medical attention, based on their years of training and study, to thousands of people from the nearby area in exchange for a monthly wage.

“But a modern health service should also be able to offer car maintenance, iPhone screen repair and whatever else I decide off the top of my head.

“This needs to be available at any time during the day or night, otherwise I will personally come round and set fire to the building.”

GP Nikki Hollis said: “My colleagues are considering mass resignations but we reckon the government would just replace us with vending machines that dispensed prescriptions at forty quid a pop.”