Methamphetamine is top Christmas gift

A PRE-CHRISTMAS rush on crystal meth has left dealers unable to cope with demand.

The popularity of TV series Breaking Bad has seen millions placing the street drug at the top of their gift lists.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My husband is a massive Breaking Bad fan and keeps dropping hints about crystal meth.

“I normally just get him a bottle of Famous Grouse, it’s the first time in a decade he’s actually known what he wants.

“But I’ve tried every street corner in the most intimidating areas of town and all I could get was crack. Fingers crossed he won’t notice the difference.

“The dealer said crack is just as good.”

Drug dealer Tom Logan said: “Meth wasn’t popular in the UK pre-Breaking Bad, especially not among the Christmas gift market.

“I managed to import some and made up these little presentation boxes containing meth, pipe and a little booklet of some quirky, interesting meth facts.

“I wrote ‘Merry Christ-METH’ on the packaging which is quite good even if I do say so myself.

“Hot cakes doesn’t even begin to cover it. Hopefully I can get my supply chain locked down for when they all come back for seconds on Boxing Day.”

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I've been stuck on a stupid vegan diet

Dear Holly,

The wife has put me on a stupid vegan diet until Christmas. I’m pretending it’s ok but I fear I won’t make it much longer without taking a bite from one of her magnificent succulent thighs. Help!


Los Angeles 

Dear Jay-Z,

There’s a girl in my class called Francesca Solomon who is a strict vegan. She’s not allowed to eat any nice things, including Haribo Star Mix, which no doubt makes for a pretty miserable existence. To cheer her up I once invited her round to my granny’s house for tea, which was probably a bad idea because the only food my granny eats comes from animals that have spent their lives in total darkness and then been mercilessly slaughtered. Although granny’s corned beef hash and ox tongue surprise weren’t a massive hit with Francesca, at least the evening ended on a high when granny’s dog Bilko thanked Francesca on behalf of the animal kingdom by forcefully humping her school bag.

Hope that helps,