Workers' carrot to remain slightly out of reach

GEORGE Osborne has announced that the carrot you want will remain tantalisingly beyond your grasp for a little longer.

The chief vegetable-dangler said: “You can’t have it yet…but soon. Like when you’re 68, or 78, something 8.

“Just a bit more work. A few more years.

“It is a lovely carrot though. Such a deep orange colour.”

Osborne denied that he would keep moving the carrot indefinitely: “You will get it slightly before you die.

“Then it will all have been worth it.”

39-year-old office worker Tom Logan said: “By the time I get this bloody carrot I won’t have any teeth left and will only be able to feebly suck it.”

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Rich people ‘a bunch of freaks’

ALL rich people are total freaks, experts have confirmed.

The findings were revealed on the same day that a very weird court case heard how Charles Saatchi, the Damien Hirst-enabling throat-grabber, keeps his money in the fridge.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We used to believe rich people weirdness was centred around Scientology, but thanks to advances in actually realising things, we can now see that they are all oddballs.

“The Beckhams have spent £45 million on a house that will, apparently, contain a room that is just for shoes. It doesn’t matter if the shoes are arranged neatly on shelves or there’s just a huge pile of shoes in the middle of the floor. Both scenarios are really weird.

“Then there’s all the panthers. If you walk into someone’s living room and see a panther the temptation is to think, ‘what an ostentatious display of wealth’ when you should actually be thinking, ‘buying a panther is an incredibly strange way to behave’.

“Meanwhile, a huge number of rich people are determined to make their faces extremely unusual. They’re saying, ‘in case you thought I was normal, have a look at this’.”

Professor Brubaker said the Institute would now explore which came first, the money or the weirdness. “Does money make you weird, or does it merely write a blank cheque for pre-existing oddness?”

He added: “As for Nigella Lawson, the BBC has to show her programmes after 8pm so you’re just that little bit too tired to notice how deeply unusual it is.

“Tape one and then watch it mid-morning and you get the overwhelming sense that it was made by a cult.”

The Institute is also working on the theory that the most money anyone should have is £650,000.