A MIDDLE class man is torn between feeling he should tip his binmen and not actually wanting to go near them.
Julian Cook of The Hawthorns, Elsfield, would love to give his refuse workers a seasonal gratuity but cannot work out how to do it without coming into close contact with the by definition unclean.
He said: “I strongly believe in helping the less well-off, especially when they know how much artisanal gin we get though.
“But hygiene-wise they’re very much a no-no. If I come down with a bug, it’ll ruin our New Year’s trip the Cairngorms to a place with an Aga and wood-fired hot tub.
“And what if they spoke to me? I don’t follow football. What if their grubby smiles slowly turn to lustful leers at the sight of my generosity, tears leaving streaks down their filthy faces? I couldn’t bear that.
“I’d Sellotape an M&S gift card to the bin with a note thanking them for their sterling efforts throughout 2023, but would they read it? Can they? You know, best not to bother.”
Binman Wayne Hayes said: “Oh, is it a bit awkward thanking us so you prefer to pretend the magical bin fairies take it away?”
