Middle-class man caught on horns of binmen tipping dilemma

A MIDDLE class man is torn between feeling he should tip his binmen and not actually wanting to go near them.

Julian Cook of The Hawthorns, Elsfield, would love to give his refuse workers a seasonal gratuity but cannot work out how to do it without coming into close contact with the by definition unclean.

He said: “I strongly believe in helping the less well-off, especially when they know how much artisanal gin we get though.

“But hygiene-wise they’re very much a no-no. If I come down with a bug, it’ll ruin our New Year’s trip the Cairngorms to a place with an Aga and wood-fired hot tub.

“And what if they spoke to me? I don’t follow football. What if their grubby smiles slowly turn to lustful leers at the sight of my generosity, tears leaving streaks down their filthy faces? I couldn’t bear that.

“I’d Sellotape an M&S gift card to the bin with a note thanking them for their sterling efforts throughout 2023, but would they read it? Can they? You know, best not to bother.”

Binman Wayne Hayes said: “Oh, is it a bit awkward thanking us so you prefer to pretend the magical bin fairies take it away?”

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Secret Santa gift soon to be human resources investigation

A SECRET Santa gift to be unwrapped later will, before 5.30pm, become the subject of an investigation by human resources. 

Martin Bishop, who was delighted to be buying for 22-year-old colleague Grace Wood-Morris this year, believes that she and everyone will find the thong he has bought her hilarious.

Bishop said: “It’s red with white frills and an embroidered message on the crotch saying ‘When I think of you I touch my elf’. Grace will love that, it’s very festive.

“I would never write that in an email, God no, but I’m pretty sure conveying it via underwear wrapped in tissue paper and opened publicly before the rest of the office is perfectly acceptable.

“When she opens it I’ll be at the back of the crowd, laughing loudly to show how funny it is and speculating about who could have bought it, which will throw everyone off the scent. I might start a chant of ‘try it on!’. As a joke obviously.

“And if she bursts into tears and runs off to the bathroom, I’m still safe because nobody will ever find out it’s me. Secret Santa’s like omertà in the Mafia. That trust is sacred.”

HR manager Joanna Kramer said: “I expect I’ll soon have a little present for Martin. I hope he likes it.”