Middle class man convinced builders like him

A MIDDLE-CLASS man thinks he has a rapport with the people building his extension.

41-year-old IT consultant Stephen Malley has been getting ‘matey’ with the two builders whom he knows only as ‘Brian’ and ‘Pete’.

He said: “Even though we’re from different class backgrounds we’re just all lads together.

“I work from home so every morning I’m like, ‘Alright lads’. To which they reply cheerily ‘Alright’.

“Then I ask them about football, and they say some stuff about cement that I don’t understand.

“I might offer them a ‘cuppa’.

“They’re real men, very stocky. But they see me as one of the boys, even though I’ve got a corporate job and eat cereal bars.

“I expect we’ll all go to the pub together soon, for some pints and banter about our wives.”

Malley’s builder Pete Hobbs said: “Is he gay or something?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Goal-line technology to bring universal justice

NEW goal-line technology is to be used in everyday life to create a more just world.

An avalanche of three controversial incidents spanning four years has prompted the introduction of goal cameras to the Premier League.

Having solved football, goal-line technology will then be used to resolve issues including capital versus labour, civil liberty versus public order and, most importantly, goal-line technology itself.

Using pinpoint accuracy, it will photograph controversial events as they happen. This could be a missile launch, a kiss between siblings or an argument about whether a burger is fully barbecued.

These will be relayed back to a specially appointed World Referee, who will be able to make a final decision that will satisfy everybody and make disagreement a thing of the past.

Inventor Julian Cook said, “As the late Margaret Thatcher would have put it, ‘Where there is discord, may we bring goal-line technology. Where there is error, may we bring goal-line technology. Where there is doubt, may we bring goal-line technology.'”

“Unfortunately, there was no goal-line technology back in 1979. Otherwise, we would have known for certain whether she was right or not about Thatcherism, and we would not be living in such a divided society.”