Middle class parents studying school catchment areas like generals planning invasion

A PROFESSIONAL couple are studying school catchment areas in a highly strategic manner.

Marketing consultant Tom Booker and his wife Sarah are planning to buy a house near a school with ‘outstanding’ Ofsted ratings, using a pincer movement of above-the-odds house price offers and buttering up headteachers to secure their objective.

Seated in the Command HQ that is the couple’s big tasteful kitchen, Booker said: “Trying to secure high quality state schools for our daughters Sophie and Alexa requires forward planning, careful deployment of resources and, if necessary, the use of tanks.

“What if you move to be near a target school and it subsequently goes downhill, or you move out of an area only for a new headteacher to turn things around with an arts-centric agenda?

“It’s a months-long campaign requiring mental agility, bravery and the willingness to sustain losses in the pursuit of victory.”

Sarah Booker said: “St Mortlock’s C of E has got excellent facilities but according to online reports the staff are not that motivated.

“I suggest we stage a coup, funding a faction of disillusioned teachers to rise up and overthrow the headteacher. We’ll call it Operation Condor.”

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Tories wearing Corbyn t-shirts around Manchester

CONSERVATIVES are wearing Corbyn-themed merchandise to disguise their identities on the streets of Manchester.

Tory conference attendees have been spotted wearing Leninist caps, Momentum badges and threadbare cheesecloth shirts, with some even blasting grime music from their mobile phones in an attempt to go unnoticed.

A Tory source said: “If I have to choose between my safety and my style, so be it. Which is why I will be wearing these loose-fitting sports trousers and a t-shirt bearing the phrase ‘Oh Jeremy Corbyn’ whenever I’m out in public.

“Whoever decided that we should bring our party to this godforsaken northern hinterland should be flogged.”

Meanwhile, Theresa May has confirmed Tory plans to lure young voters with free yo-yos and spinning tops.