Middle-class scavengers picking over the remains of dying Wilkos

POSH shoppers who would never normally be seen dead in a high street chain store are greedily picking over the bones of discounted stock in Wilko.

The tragic demise of the store and subsequent mass job losses has provided delighted middle-class people with a Mecca for bargains they never knew existed.

Shopper Francesca Johnson said: “I’ve never set foot in the place before, it’s hardly White Stuff, is it, but I’ve been in every day this week.

“Who knew it was full of such useful things? Rubber gloves, washing baskets, shampoo, pet food, cheap tacky mugs for the tradesmen? I’m obviously not going to be buying anything guests will see.

“I suppose it’s a shame for all the poor people who will be out of work, but I’m sure they’ll find jobs in Home Bargains, Iceland, or other low class stores I avoid like the plague.”

Wilko worker Steve Malley said: “It would have been nice if they’d supported the shop before, rather than swooping in like Joules-clad vultures now it’s on its arse. Then maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament, and they wouldn’t be paying twice the amount for the same products in Waitrose.

“Anyway, to get them back I stuck my knob in the pick ‘n’ mix when nobody was looking. F**k it, I can’t be laid off twice.”

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Man thinks bar staff at local knowing his name is a good thing

A MAN thinks all the staff at his local pub knowing his name makes him a well-loved neighbourhood face rather than a probable alcoholic.

Stephen Malley is such a fixture at The Woolpack in Chippenham that the people who work there roll their eyes when he enters before wearily muttering ‘Pint of Carlsberg, Steve?’.

Malley said: “They pretend to be annoyed that I’ve arrived to spend the entire afternoon and early evening propping up the bar again, but actually they love my constant hilarious banter and critiques of their pint-pouring skills. It’s livens up their day.

“They all know my name in there, from the landlord right down to the cleaner. Even the notoriously unfriendly barman who does the weekend shift knows it, despite the fact that he jokingly calls me ‘f**king dickhead’.

“It’s important to be visible in your community, and I do my bit by spending five hours a day holding court in this pub. I’m basically like the mayor, if the mayor was able to drink nine pints and still just about stand up.”

Barmaid Nikki Hollis said: “Yes, we do know his name in here. It makes it easier for the police to differentiate which local wanker they need to arrest for sexual harassment when we call them on a Saturday night.”