How to make up the perfect unfalsifiable holiday romance: a guide for teenagers

AGED 14-18? Went on holiday with your parents? Planning to invent a wonderful romance with an incredible but untraceable girl or boy? Follow these rules:

Choose a ridiculously exotic name

Let your imagination fly free. Was your honey called Elektra? Was your gorgeous guy called Jamal? Don’t be tethered by the ordinary. The more outlandish your fantasy fling was, the more your naive-but-desperately horny audience will want to believe it. And remember, names like Linda and Geoff are thrillingly unorthodox to teenagers.

Invent an arresting backstory

Real holiday romances are with a girl from Darlington with an overbite. You don’t have to settle for that. A Greek heiress? The Californian son of a tech billionaire? A Filipino model who showed you home movies of her pet tiger? A Brazilian soap opera star? The more wild, the more plausible.

Paint a vivid picture

You made out for the first time under a waterfall. Then he flew you to the top of a mountain, accessible only by helicopter, for your first date. Then she took you scuba-diving and you kissed while a school of tropical fish darted about you. That your holiday was on a landlocked French campsite doesn’t matter. No-one will question it.

Go overboard on sex

Think Danny Zuko’s half of Summer Nights if, like your generation, he’d grown up with access to all the internet’s porn. She did the lot. He had a cock like a diving board. She span on my dick using her Cirque de Soleil skills. Again, any implausibilities in your narrative will be blithely ignored as your peers lap up the filth.

Explain the lack of evidence

But how did this love story for the ages go unrecorded in this era of mobile phones? How can you have lost touch forever when there’s Instagram? Simply explain your twat parents only allowed you an hour of screen time a day and you’d used it all before you got out of bed. Your audience will nod understandingly. They’ve been there.

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Candle shops, the cosmetics aisle, and the other locations where time ceases to pass for boyfriends

SCIENTISTS say time only slows when you approach light-speed but any man who has accompanied their girlfriend to Superdrug will disagree. Here are more locations where time stands still for boyfriends:

The cosmetics aisle

The only thing that stops a man lying down on the floor and falling asleep is the terror that the Boots beautician will talk his girlfriend into getting a 60-minute in-store makeover. If anyone wearing a name badge approaches, hover near the fire alarm in case you need to smash it and drag her out of there.

Candle shops

What the f**k is this? A whole shop selling candles that cost £15 each? You can buy 50 tea lights in Tesco for a fiver. Your girlfriend says they smell nice, even though they’re giving you a cracking headache, and to prove it she’s going to sniff all 2,000 of them individually. Maybe the headache is actually an aneurysm and this torture will be over soon.

In bed watching YouTube videos

When your girlfriend has just spent 10 minutes watching your favourite BMX backflip compilation, it’s only fair that she chooses what’s next. But putting on a half hour Five Minute Crafts supercut is a step too far. Nobody needs to know how to make Barbie shoes using a glue gun and miniature diamantés. Apart from your girlfriend, apparently.

Independent bookshops

You don’t dislike reading. You got half way through Sapiens and bought Fight Club because it had a picture of Brad Pitt looking really cool on the cover. What you do dislike, however, is standing in a shop for 40 minutes while your girlfriends tries to decide between the prettily decorated clothbound hardcover of Persuasion or Pride and Prejudice. What does it matter? She’s just going to leave it unread on the coffee table and watch the TV adaptation instead.

The hairdresser

As a boyfriend you feel totally lost waiting in the salon. They’re lengthily discussing face-framing layers and miracle spray, whereas you just ask for a tidy up and then sit there mutely. You do feel a bit jealous of all the attention she’s getting though, and wonder if your barber will be up for giving you a gentle, relaxing scalp massage next time you’re in.