Migrants 'should have to perform passable Morris dance'

ANYONE coming to the UK will need to demonstrate a respectable ‘backswagger’ and ‘caper’, say MPs.

A cross-party group has insisted that anyone hoping to play a part in British life must at least be a competent ‘foreman’ or ‘bagman’ in a Morris dancing set.

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “It would be sufficient for a prospective migrant to strap on a baldric and give us a jig. I don’t think that’s asking too much.

“It’s hard to imagine how someone who can’t execute the most basic of backswaggers could ever truly integrate into British society.”

The Morris dancing proposal has met with warm support from the Home Office, who believe it could make policing the UK’s borders far simpler.

A spokesman said: “Demanding that migrants do a Morris dance would reduce migration by close to 90%.

“Britain’s okay to live in, but it’s not worth strapping bells on your back and prancing around like a twat.”

Leaving EU 'will give UK citizens powers of super-strength and invisibility'

LEAVING the EU will give all Britons the power to turn invisible and the strength to lift a car with one hand, according to a government report.

The study found that predictions of economic ruin were as inaccurate as claims that a radioactive spider-bite would kill Peter Parker, and that hard Brexit will give Britons extraordinary powers. 

A government spokesman said: “The patriotic rays given off by a good, hard Brexit will initially leave Britain dazed but it will then discover it has incredible powers and decide to use them for good. 

“At the basic level this means flight, super-strength and some measure of invulnerability, and on top of that you’ll probably be able to pick from a list of options. Fireball-shooting powers from column A, shapeshifting from column B, that kind of thing. 

“However, Remainers will likely be horrendously disfigured in the Brexit and will turn their powers to crime and evil pro-EU positions, so we’ll have to fight them.

“Grrrr. Damn Remainers.”

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