Farage to sing 'Happy Birthday, Mr President' at Trump inauguration

NIGEL Farage will wear a white dress and heels to serenade Donald Trump at his presidential inauguration, it has been confirmed.

With many high-profile performers rejecting offers to perform, the former UKIP leader has promised a ‘sultry’ and ‘husky’ rendition of Happy Birthday.

Farage said: “I’m going to strike just the right balance between mainstream family entertainment and outright eroticism.

“As well as being sensual, I am delicate and vulnerable, like a bird in a gilded cage, and I want to bring that across.

“Paul Nuttall might to a bit on his banjo too, if there’s time.”

Farage believes that a successful performance could lead to some sort of courtesan role that involves feeding Trump grapes while wearing a leather uniform.

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Ask Holly: How can I make myself stop crying?

Dear Holly,

I might be a monumental star, but even lofty talents like mine have to experience knock-backs once in a while. However I am extremely thick-skinned and do not give a flying pair of pants if some devious little TV bastard thinks it’s ok to reject me, Sir Tom Jones, the one and only. I just tell the kids, hey – you gotta believe in yourself because somewhere out there, there is an incompetent, talentless pen pusher who thinks they have the right to give you a knock-back even when you are beloved by millions and should be made a saint.

How can I make myself stop crying?


Tom Jones


Dear Tom,

Us kids are used to being told to sod off. Everywhere I go there’s an angry adult asking me to shut up and make myself scarce, but I don’t let it bother me. My granny says that when she was young, about ten gazillion years ago, ‘children were seen and not heard’, so they must have all had their iPads on mute or something, which must have been utterly miserable. No wonder kids in black and white photos look so haunted – they’re not able to listen to Taylor Swift at full volume when Granny is trying to concentrate on Coronation Street.

Hope that helps,