Mild cheese not cheese

CHEESE which is weaker than ‘medium’ is an abomination, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies criticised the dairy industry for bestowing the ‘cheese’ label on products that had the flavour of insulating foam.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Mild cheese is vile. We sampled things that were really just slices of milk, and skimmed milk at that, which is basically white water.

“As a rule of thumb, if you eat it with wine, and both taste better as a consequence, it’s probably cheese. If you eat it with corned beef in a sandwich, you’re in no position to say what is and what is not food.”

Mild cheese fan Roy Hobbs said: “I tried some so-called mature cheese once. It smelled of garden mulch and tasted like soft, spreadable goat.

“Dairylea Lunchables are superior to your workshy, fancy French and Italian cheeses, and they go beautifully with a vintage Ribena.”

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Gary Neville refusing to come down from Old Trafford roof

GARY Neville has been sat on the roof of Old Trafford since midnight, police have confirmed.

The former United defender was seen climbing the side of the stadium last night with an Alex Ferguson doll under one arm, swatting at moths caught in the security lights as if they were biplanes.

Inspector Nikki Hollis said: “He’s said he’s not coming down until scientists work out a way of cloning Gary Pallister.

“I got one of my officers to sing the 1994 Status Quo hit Come On You Reds to try and soothe him, but when he got to the ‘keep us at the top where we belong’ bit he started throwing roof tiles at him.”

Police negotiators have been unable to coax Neville down after an intense 45-minute conversation involving Paul Pogba’s fee and Wayne Rooney’s wage bill convinced them he had a point.

Alternative solutions are now being suggested including building a commentary box on the roof or waiting for the local weather to eventually ‘rinse’ him off the building.

Hollis said: “We’ve got until Wednesday to get him down safely or cover the whole place with safety netting before United play City.”