Millennials and baby boomers competing to be worst b*stards ever

TODAY’S younger generation and baby boomers are battling to be the bigger pack of cosseted, useless, whiny, awful tw*ts, it has emerged.

Millennials and sixtysomethings, both of whom are obsessed with extremist politics and house prices, are locked in competition as to who can be the more selfish post-war gang of kn*bheads.

68-year-old Norman Steele said: “I look at these young ones and wonder if we could even beat Costa Rica in a war. And they don’t have an army.

“We’ve had mopey, boneless adolescents before but by Christ, this lot take the biscuit. Or they would do, if they could be arsed to tear themselves away from their phones to fetch the biscuit barrel while I’m watching Countdown.”

24-year-old Tom Logan said: “Spoilt bastards bought five-bedroom houses for 90 guineas in 1971 and think they’re genius investors.

“Bollocks to you, your greenhouses, your bloody overbearing, never-retiring pop stars, your creased jeans and your delusion that you somehow won World War II.

“The only thing you went through was the Dambusters film and it didn’t once occur to you that there was anything wrong with the dog being called the N-word. F*ck you.”

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Johnson or Corbyn - who would be the worst company?

DUE to a hospitality mix-up, you’ve invited either prime-minister-in-waiting Boris Johnson or prime-minister-in-exile Jeremy Corbyn to a dinner party. But which would be the worst company? 


An opportunity to sparkle with witty conversation is wasted by both men, as Corbyn finishes an anecdote about trade unions with what guests only belatedly realise later is a punchline.

Johnson, meanwhile, attempts to riff in Latin like he used to but his brain cannot be arsed to indulge him anymore, so peters out with everyone staring at him blankly.


Both Corbyn and Johnson decide to clear the air by addressing accusations of anti-Semitism and Islamophobia respectively, but by employing phrases like ‘letterbox woman’, ‘Rothschild-run media’, ‘Osama was an Arsenal fan’ and ‘Zionist top hat giraffe’ spectacularly fail to do so.


The potatoes dauphinouse send Corbyn into a reminiscence about the gulags, which he eventually manages to grudgingly say were a bad thing after much prompting from a senior aide.

Johnson, meanwhile, complains that his bacon-wrapped guinea fowl is not exotic enough and demands roast hedgehog, pangolin or leatherback sea turtle. When told they are not available, he throws his red wine over the sofa to teach you.


Outraged to be offered luxuries during a time of class warfare, Corbyn slaps your face and storms out. Outraged not to be offered a selection, Johnson slaps your face and asks you to storm out because he’s tired.


Both men make terrible dinner guests and will make terrible prime ministers. Possibly within the year.